Self-absorption

I sent another e-mail to another editor today. Another resume pasted at the bottom. And for possibly the first time in my life, the thought, What, exactly, am I doing this for? crossed my mind. Usually, my thought process is more like, OMG, this is going to be the best thing EVER if I get this job! or, Wow, I really, really have to get out of my current soul-sucking job ASAP.

But now, I'm beginning to get the first taste of cubicle complacency: nice title, nice salary, nice company, entirely performable duties. Why move? Oh, yeah, that "personal fulfillment" thing. The feeling of having actually accomplished something in eight hours. Or, in my case, 10 to 12.

When I think about my career, all I can think about is the next best thing. The next big freelance project, the next big publication to work for. The novel I know I have in me. Success has importance in several different facets of life, but when does it start to boil down to vanity? Impressing people at parties. Impressing people back home. Impressing myself. I can't believe I'm about to quote the Counting Crows, but bear with me: "We all wanna be big stars, but we've got different reasons for that." I think my reason right now is to build my self-esteem resume, which I should have done a long time ago.