It's the times between when we're together that I worry. Unnecessarily? Maybe. Is the fact that I'm worrying at all troubling to say the least? Maybe.
What I've been thinking about lately is what roles we play in other people's lives. Say that this is one of N's screenplays. I'm still unsure what archetype N is going to be in my life. Sometimes I think he's going to be the real, sexy, perfect-for-each-other long-term love affair that the movies make us want. But other times I think he's going to be a successful, metropolitan Peter Pan cliche, like Mr. Big, whom I'll look back on once this is all over and laugh and roll my eyes.
What will I be in his life, when all of this is figured out? When we decide to either be with each other for real (a.k.a. boyfriend/girlfriend leading to a live-in/fiance), or split for good a few weeks/months along the road? Will I be...
1. The Woman Who Changes Him?
-Every romance novel has a chaste heroine who tames the somewhat promiscuous, sexy bad boy. I'm not sure chaste fits, in my case, but I think every woman wants to be the exception to the rule: the one who ends up with the ring, the love, and every inch of the fairytale...before real-life fights about generic trash bags versus Hefty set in, that is.
2. The Woman He Thinks He Should Want?
-When a man becomes a certain age, he sometimes thinks he should man up and marry/become involved/get serious with the woman he happens to be with at the time. I don't want to be the faceless female silhouette in a cardboard storybook fantasy.
3. The Woman He Lets Get Away Because He's Not Ready?
-N's friends love me. His family loves me. His boss loves me. Seriously. But sometimes good reviews about your lover from damn near everyone you know just doesn't make up for the fact that you're not feelin' it. At all.
4. The "Intelligent Career Woman" in a High Fidelity-esque Lineup of Girls?
-I don't think he's ever had someone as smart, or as "whole package," as me before. I don't say that because I'm narcissistic (Lord, everyone who reads this blog knows that I'm definitely not that), but I think that I'm not the usual type of woman he goes for. Sometimes he likes style over substance in his life -- from milk containers to clothing -- and maybe I'm his foray into something more than eyeliner and highlights. If this is true, though, the good news is that I won't end up with a manchild a la John Cusack's character.
It's fun to speculate, I guess, but maybe it's more fun to live it. My birthday party is tomorrow, and N is coming. I am so excited. I want so badly for him to fit into my life, and it's been working lately. Like Sara says, sometimes things go well, and, when they do, in hopes of future love I subconsciously hold my breath and "don't look, don't touch, don't do anything, but hope that there is a you."