Here is the key breaking news I've been made privy to today:
>> Plots like this exist in the real world, not just in crappy third-rate summer heist flicks.
>> Calling all word geeks. Updates to the Bible. (Okay, to me, this is sort of important.)
>> Just when you thought it was safe to ride the NYC subways...well, you could be attacked by a chainsaw-wielding sadist (with video!).
>> You might want to sit down for this: High stress and heart attacks are, in fact, connected. I know! So crazy!
>> Gang members will steal your children using MySpace.com.
God bless you, CNN.com. And God bless America.