CNN.com

I think it's pretty widely accepted now that CNN.com is giving the Weekly World News a run for its journalistic money. With its top-slot infotainment headlines (Russell Crowe a father again [gasp! call everyone you know!]) and news of the weird (Kitten survives wood chipper [meow! with video!]), CNN.com is there, constantly letting me know that real news is so totally passe and that the apocalypse is most assuredly around the corner.

Here is the key breaking news I've been made privy to today:

>> Plots like this exist in the real world, not just in crappy third-rate summer heist flicks.

>> Calling all word geeks. Updates to the Bible. (Okay, to me, this is sort of important.)

>> Just when you thought it was safe to ride the NYC subways...well, you could be attacked by a chainsaw-wielding sadist (with video!).

>> You might want to sit down for this: High stress and heart attacks are, in fact, connected. I know! So crazy!

>> Gang members will steal your children using MySpace.com.

God bless you, CNN.com. And God bless America.