Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Pet Peeve

If there's one thing that irks me more than someone calling Barnes & Noble bookstore "Barnes and Nobles," it's when people speak to each other in a foreign language right in front of me. Now, don't get me wrong: It's one thing if you're a family shopping for groceries in Costco and speaking to each other in a foreign language, but it's quite another when I'm trying to rent an apartment in New York in my early twenties in 2004 at a ridiculously overpriced firm, and my broker and his assistant are speaking to each other about the transaction (and, ostensibly, me) behind the desk as I sit there like an idiot, realizing they're probably calling me a sucker to my face.

Roomie is now eating dinner in the kitchen with a relatively attractive and polite-seeming Italian man, whom I did not know would be coming over until this evening. Like an understanding roommate, I've shut myself in my room most of the evening to give her her privacy. When my bladder would hold out no longer from the three to four glasses of chianti I've poured into it tonight, I walked outside of my room to use the restroom. Yeah, I probably wasn't as lucid as I could have been, but I managed to do introductions without falling down or slurring, so, for me, that qualifies as a well-behaved evening. As I was in the restroom, I heard them speaking to one another in Italian. This is what I imagined them saying:

Roomie: Don't mind her. She's a bit of a drunk. Well-meaning girl, though. Pays the rent on time and buys toilet paper when I ask her to. She goes to bars a lot...and I mean a LOT. But as long as she keeps her undesirable men out of this apartment, I'm fine with it. Lovely pasta, by the way.

Italian guy: I had a roommate in Italy who liked the drink. He peed in my expensive leather satchel in the middle of the night.

Roomie: Hahahahaha! You Italians are so witty and charming. May I have some more wine?

When I go to the Bar that Shall Not Be Named, my Brazilian bartender/actor speaks Portuguese behind the bar to his shady, womanizing Brazilian friend. This is what I imagine them saying:

Brazilian bartender/actor: Jane's back again.

Womanizing friend: You should ask her back with you. She clearly wants you. Or give her...TO ME.

Brazilian bartender/actor: But she's had 13 Miller Lites tonight, and, frankly, she's a bit of old news around this joint, yes? And I'm more interested in the girl who taught my self-reflection class today at the academy. Maybe she'd like to take a ride on my motor scooter.

Womanizing friend: Maybe you can use Jane to get to her roommate.

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Blogger Phil said...

Hi Jane,

I am sorry, I was really very drunk, I apologize if I said somethings that had embarrassed you.

I don't remember for sure if I did, but I do know that I get a bit that way when I get that drunk.

I don't know what to say but to say that I am sorry for the way that I had behaved towards you, please except my apology.

Hope to still be your friend,

6:29 AM  
Blogger NewbietoNYC said...

Phil, you were fine! You told some great jokes, and I always enjoy your company on the air. Thanks for calling in, and don't worry!

9:28 AM  
Blogger Phil said...

Hi Jane,

You are always so very nice and sweet to me, I really appreciate that a lot. I just wanted to be respectful of you is all I was trying to say.

I was reading your article, it sounds very hypocritical of her to call you a drunk while she sits there and asks for more Wine maybe the word "Whine" would be more fitting.

I also agree with you on the ones who talk in a foreign language like that right in front of you. I totally agree with you.

PS. I really do care about you Jane.

5:46 PM  
Blogger Rohan Hawthorne said...

This post is too funny.

11:47 PM  
Blogger Phil said...

Hi Jane,

Roomie: Don't mind her. She's a bit of a drunk. Well-meaning girl, though. Pays the rent on time and buys toilet paper when I ask her to.

I don't know how you stand this Roomie of yours, If it was me in your place I think that I would have asked her who made you Dictator.

7:20 AM  
Blogger Bond said...

hummmm I left a comment here yesterday...was it too racy?

Told you to bring a tape of their conversation to Memphis and I would try and help you translate.....hehehehehehe

8:03 AM  
Blogger Phil said...

Hi Jane,

Between Womanizing friend and the rest of them, sounds to me like you need a whole new bunch of people to hang out with. Girl I don't know how you take it but maybe your Roomie needs a good swirly. LOL

1:10 AM  

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