Monday, March 27, 2006

Help Me Choose My Underwear

This morning, I heard what no girl ever wants to hear from her boyfriend: that my underwear is "not sexy," that it's "falling apart," and that I "have had it for years." "Like right now," the Boyf said, walking up to me before I put my work pants on and gesturing to the underthings I was wearing. "You can't wear stripper underwear with a plain bra." Now, let the record show that not only is the Boyf right on the first three descriptors of my underpants, but he's also right about my underwear combo for the day: black thong with hot-pink stitching paired with a nude-colored T-shirt bra. Also, just so we're clear that he's not a total jerk, the Boyf is rarely critical of anything I wear; he's most often full of compliments. So I think I should humor him and break down and buy some new underwear.

It's difficult, though, because I have three issues with underwear:

First, most of my sexy underwear is from my senior year in high school, during which I repeatedly scared boys away (with my attitude, not my underwear). I thought that I'd harness my untapped feminine energy by buying lacy teal bra-and-panty sets, black-lace bikini underwear, and lots and lots of satin. P.S. I wore business suits to school for no reason. Did I mention no one liked me? I was also the girl who gave black lace panties to her girlfriends -- and her mother, ugh -- for their birthdays, with a note attached that read "Every woman should have a pair of black lace underwear." Apparently, I fancied myself the high-school version of Dr. Ruth...despite not having much experience on the subject. At all.

Second, because I'm laundry OCD, I've put several years of cold-washing and hang-drying into these nine-year-old thongs. Do I want to throw away all of my hard work?

Third, the Boyf and I have been dating for quite some time, which may explain why I care so little in this department. We've been together for years; the mystery is pretty much over; he knows what he's getting. It's kind of like breaking out the fine china to eat the same meatloaf you've had every day for as long as you can remember. (So I guess that makes me meatloaf...hmmm, not flattering.)

But enough about me. What underwear should I buy? In New York, I'm sure all the well-heeled girls go to Agent Provocateur or La Perla when they want something that won't repulse their boyfriends, but me? Because I'm neither the daughter of a CEO nor the mistress of a hedge-fund manager, I'm left with more plebeian options:

A. Victoria's Secret

So is this sexy? Or is going to look kind of dumb on me considering that, well, I'm not Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen? Plus, at a grand total of about $55 a set, stocking up for only Monday through Friday is going to run me $275. Ouch.

2. Bloomingdale's

What about this? This is from the Elle MacPherson collection at Bloomingdale's -- only $88 (yikes) for the discriminating upper-end department store customer, but I'm thinking I could find a pretty good knockoff at H&M. But there's maybe something too...dainty about this. Like I'd be a china doll, not a sultry dame there for the lovin'.

C. Macy's

No, right? Yeah. Definitely no.

D. Frederick's of Hollywood

Ahem. So, considering I was embarrassed just looking at this website, I'm thinking this one is pretty impractical. I could never wear this under a T-shirt. Plus, what if the sides come untied at the office? Very impractical. But at $26 for the whole set, maybe I'll keep this one in mind for a special occasion. Or my Maxim cover shoot.

E. Macy's gets another shot

Ooh, this one's on sale this week. Calvin Klein. About $40 a set. It's basic. Standard. But is it too standard? What if I got it in black...?

Now go vote for your favorite via the comments section. Hurry! It's just like Idol.


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