Thursday, August 03, 2006

I (Heart) Suze

This past Saturday, a Suze Orman Show marathon of sorts was on CNBC. Now, I absolutely LOVE Suze Orman. I would rearrange my schedule if I found out she was speaking in New York. Two hours into the marathon, as I sat staring a little too intently at the television, hanging on Suze's every word, ignoring the Boyf's repeated requests for me to start getting ready so we could go to a party we were already late for, I realized this:

I genuinely feel that Suze Orman could fix my entire life.

Already, Suze rescues me from boring Saturday evenings and future financial poverty with her straight talk and her "Girlfriend!"s. I have a 401(k) because of Suze. I have considered going into the field of finance because of Suze. If the Suze show is on, all of my problems are history for that blissful hour. Gained five pounds and looking like hell? No prob, Suze's on. Hating life because of my job? No prob, Suze's on.

Now, I know that Suze can fix my finances. But...just imagine what she could do if I actually brought Suze into my home, my office, and beyond:

Me: (Picking up donut.)
Suze: Do NOT Eat. That. Donut! (Her jewelry jangles, and she points her manicured finger repeatedly three inches away from my face.) Because if YOU EAT. THAT DONUT. You will have invested FIVE-HUNDRED CALORIES in your CALORIE ALLOWANCE FOR THE DAY, and, Girlfriend? You do Not. Want. That. Evidence on your thighs.

Me: (Speaking to my boss.) I think that I would like a raise because, well, I've been with this company for a long time, and, um, my merits, and, well--
Suze: (Storms into boss's office wearing giant gold button earrings and a green blazer embellished with peacock feathers.) Now, Boss. Newbie has worked 57.5 hours in the Past. Week. She has PROVEN HERSELF countless times. She comes in in the morning before everyone else in the department and does it ALL. WITH. A SMILE. ON. HER. FACE. Do you mean to tell ME that she CANNOT have what has been coming to her ALL ALONG? (Stands there with an expectant look on her face.)

Suze? If you're out there, I live in Manhattan, and I'm ready to be made over.


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