Dispatch from Suze's Reading

Okay, not really "from" Suze's reading, but more like "three hours after" Suze Orman's reading this evening at the Union Square Barnes & Noble. I know how boring these recaps can be, so I'm going to do a tick-tock of my experience at the event:

6:20 p.m.:
I arrive at the top floor of the B&N, 10 minutes early, no less, and the place is packed with mostly women -- young, old, black skin, white skin, bright-pink hair, gray hair. It's kinda inspiring. All seats are taken, and they're corralling all the Johnny-come-10-minutes-earlies into a holding pen behind all the folding chairs. We all stand together in a more-or-less orderly fashion. I position myself directly in line with the podium. Five minutes later, a television cameraman places his equipment directly in my line of sight. Awesome.

6:25 p.m.:
I stare at the quite-nice background B&N has set up for Suze. Or perhaps CNBC has set up for Suze. Not sure who foots the bill for this kind of extravagance, but my money's on CNBC. It's a large, colorful backsplash: a Warhol-esque checkerboard of pictures, plus the logo for her show, plus her "People First, Then Money, Then Things" mantra. This stage and cultish enthusiasm reminds me of a scene I've seen on TV or in the movies, but I'm not sure which one....

6:30 p.m.:
Suze comes out wearing a fabulously gaudy soft-yellow knee-length jacket over a black top and black pants. And orange eyeglasses. I love this woman and her take-no-prisoners fashion sense.

6:40 p.m.:
Suze's been speaking for a few minutes now. There's no denying she's messianic, and there's no denying that she's trying to sell her book. For me, the quintessential Suze moment came when a woman in the audience shouted, "[Women are] biologically wired to take care of others!" With that, Suze got visibly angry and said, "Are you NOT biologically wired to take care of YOURSELF?" (Clapping from the audience.) "THAT is the question!" Suze continued. "And THIS is the answer!" She slammed a copy of her book down hard on the podium. (Wild clapping.)

6:41 p.m.:
I realize what this all reminds me of: Tom Cruise's over-the-top mysogynist character role in Magnolia. "RESPECT the COCK!" Except, well, this is the opposite of that: empowering women rather than desiccating them. But the medium and method are similar.

6:45 p.m.:
Suze has given out a few pointers (after maxing out the match on your employer's 401(k), put any extra retirement savings in a Roth IRA -- good advice) and revealed her big plan to get women saving and supposedly change the savings rate in America (which is in the toilet -- literally, the red -- now). I expected there to be a catch to her Save Yourself plan, but I can find none yet. If you go to the site and enter the code in the book (701 -- she gave it to us during the signing to prove she's not coercing women into buying the actual book if they can't afford it), open an account with TD Ameritrade, and put at least $50 a month into your account for one year, for a total of $600, TD Ameritrade will put a free $100 into the account at the end of that time period. Skeptical, I did some research online, and it's a good deal: The interest rate is 4.50%, which is competitive with the other high-interest money market accounts, including online darling ING Direct.

6:55 p.m. (ish):
Suze says she asked several banks and brokerage firms to help her implement the aforementioned plan, and only TD Ameritrade stepped up. She asked the TD Ameritrade reps who saw the deal through to stand up, and four women rise from their seats. That was a lump-in-the-throat moment for me. It was incredibly inspiring to see that these women implemented an admittedly risky business plan in order to help other women. She also introduces her friend from an organization called Count Me In that gives loans to women who want to start their own business. I am feeling the sisterhood here, people.

7:00 p.m. (ish):
Suze takes a few questions, but not that many, which is good, because I can only listen to people who live in the tri-state area talk about being a in a position to buy a house "within the next two years" for so long. (Lucky bastards.)

7:10 p.m:
Suze cuts off the Q&A to outline her "Eight Qualities of a Wealthy Woman." UGH! I hated that story online the first time I read it, and I don't want to listen to it now. But I do anyway, of course, and it's more entertaining as she tells it in person.

7:11 p.m.:
A short woman slurping a Frappuccino sidles up next to me, ostensibly to ask Suze a question, and keeps bumping into me intermittently while making a lot of noise with her Frappuccino straw. I give her the "Seinfeld" half-turn. She doesn't stop. I give her the "Seinfeld" full-turn. She doesn't stop, but she does say, "Oh, sorry," before continuing to bump into me. I can smell her Frappuccino. I consider leaning down and giving her a lecture on personal space. After 10 excruciating minutes, the woman in front of me leaves and I take her place, out of the literal reach of this annoying little woman.

7:21 p.m.:
Right before Suze leaves, she tells the members of the audience to write down the "Eight Qualities of a Wealthy Woman" on a piece of paper and look at it every time they're not happy. Um... I love me some Suze, but this is a book called Women and Money. It isn't the Bible. It's not even What Color is Your Parachute? Perhaps this kind of thing works with women who recite mantras and use aromatherapy, but I'll just stick to automatically funding my online savings account, cool?

7:25 p.m.:
Suze heads out to do Larry King's show after we all recite her "People First, Then Money, Then Things" catchphrase. There will be no receiving line for signing books. I will not get to meet her. But everyone can buy a pre-signed copy of the book that Suze asserts will be even more valuable as a first edition since it's not "personalized" and will be worth more if we're ever in a jam and need to sell it for fast money. Riiiiiiiiiight. I'm sure that has some truth to it, but I'm also relatively sure that most of the women at this signing are going for Suze, not to score some sweet eBay merch.

7:26 p.m.:
I'm swept along in the crowd to the escalator, and Suze is with her small entourage several feet behind me. We sort of pass each other on down escalator after down escalator. I LOVE her orange eyeglasses. I was so close to her that I could have said something to her (and it was relatively quiet -- we are talking about well-behaved women here), but I didn't. Because I am a big, flapping, shiny, clucking mechanical chicken.

My verdict:
It was great seeing Suze, and I'm definitely looking forward to reading my pre-autographed copy of her book. It's a bummer that there wasn't a signing, though, because I was all prepared to speak clearly and concisely about why I think she's amazing.

Happy Suze Day!

I can't believe it's here, but today is the day that Suze Orman signs copies of her newest book, Women and Money, at 6:30 p.m. at the Barnes & Noble in Union Square. (Be there or be, um, square, as it were.)

I'm already mentally preparing things to say to her that won't sound stalkerish or vapid. I might have to create and memorize some crib notes.

Yahoo Finance has been giving her a sweet deal lately: They've published two excerpts of her new book so far, which will work publicity wonders, to be sure. Problem is, I haven't been so impressed with what I've seen of the book so far. I liked today's column about what we women tend to do wrong moneywise, despite its lack of useful info, but this other column about what makes a wealthy woman was horrible, peony-scented tripe. I'm sorry, but when I'm reading a column about money, I don't need to hear about things like "harmony and balance." That's for yoga class. (Which I also don't like. Too sedentary.)

So many "women's finance" books make the mistake of oversaturating the point of the book (be a good steward of your money) with wishy-washy, sugar-coated talk about feelings (you're a nurturer, so you give too much of your money away). Personally -- and I think I speak for a lot of women out there -- I'd just rather have the facts and tips that will make me rich and secure. The only good thing about making a book specifically targeted to women is that I believe women who don't know much about money will feel more inclined to pick up a specialized, gender-tailored book rather than something by, say, Jim Cramer.

But because I love Suze and her show and because she's helped me and people every where be better managers of our money, I am going to give this book a shot. And I am going to speak clearly and intelligently when she signs my copy of her book.

Hear all the details of my meeting with Suze (fingers crossed, anyway) TONIGHT at 9 p.m. EST on Dr. Blogstein's Radio Happy Hour on Blog Talk Radio! Just enter blogtalkradio.com/drblogstein into your browser (or click my handy text link) to listen. I'll share my thoughts on the signing as well as gossip about whatever predictably odd outfit Suze was wearing. You know you want to know!

P.S. In case you've missed it, Suze recently revealed to the Times magazine that she is, indeed, a lesbian. Why this is even top news, I'm unsure, but, strangely, I think I like her more because of it. You go, Girlfriend!

Showbiz Debut

Okay, guys, Tuesday night is a big one: Dr. Blogstein and I will be hosting our first official show on Blog Talk Radio: "Dr. Blogstein's Radio Happy Hour." (You all know me as Newbie, but my oh-so-sophisticated stage name is Jane.)

I will be forever indebted to you, reader, if you go to this link at 9 p.m. EST Tuesday night, Monday, Feb. 12 and either call in, listen, and/or send me some good vibes over the blog waves. Blogstein's a great guy, and I'm thrilled to be hanging with him on the air. Tune in for the undeniable chemistry (or is it sexual frustration?) that's sure to abound on our pre-Valentine's Day show!

And another thing that I couldn't resist mentioning (see? I talk about things in twos.): I'm a huge fan of Crazy Aunt Purl. I've been a reader for about a year, and love her writing's high energy level, her POV, and the unapologetic way she puts her sweet self out there. That's why I was psyched to see her post today about getting her finances in order after a huge personal setback. A little snippet:

I devised a repayment plan that was slow and painful but manageable. I had a fixed amount I repaid each month, plus anything extra went toward the debt. My bonus from work that one year? 100% went toward my debt. Yard sale money? Pay down the debt.

I had setbacks along the way (all the cats got sick AT THE SAME TIME. My car died, and then died again. And so on.) but I kept plugging along, even when it wasn't fun.

Budgeting is not for the faint of hard, kiddies, and Purl's entry nails down exactly why we need to win our financial independence back from the the credit card companies, the loan officers, and our bookies. (Kidding on that one.... I hope.) I'm especially convinced that women, who sometimes give the financial reins over to other people too quickly, need a pep talk like this every now and again to remind ourselves (pardon me as I get all Stuart Smalley) that we are absolutely capable enough to take charge of our own financial destinies. (See: This thing I'm really, really excited about. Love you, Suze!)

Money Ain't A Thang

Four political and financial thoughts:

1. Does it bother anyone else that we have a president who, after serving six years in office, still cannot properly pronounce the word "nuclear"?

2. I'm linked on Google Finance! (At least for now.) This is kind of a dream come true for me, being a personal finance geek and whatnot.

3. I love that more and more experts (financial and otherwise) are beginning to speak out about income inequality. It's one of the most important issues facing American society today, in my opinion. Here's a recent article I liked from Yahoo Finance. (Sorry, Google; Yahoo has better original content.)

4. But don't get too cocky, Yahoo Finance. Now I'm going to take you down a peg. As much as people fawn over Robert Kiyosaki, I just don't get the draw. I've read a good number of articles by him, and after I finish each one, I think to myself, "Now, what am I supposed to do?" Sure, the guy tells some nice parables, but the moral of the story is completely lost on me. Read his most recent Yahoo Finance column here. Now tell me if you can figure out what the hell he's telling us to do. Am I better off for reading this article? No. Am I feeling confused and oddly chastised for being "middle class"? Absolutely.

Take this passage:

Financially, there are three classes of people. The rich are those who play to win. The middle class plays not to lose. For the middle class, financial security is more important than financial opportunity. Ironically, today there's far more financial opportunity than financial security, yet the middle class still seeks security.

You'd expect some sort of logic to come after that to explain the mumbo-jumbo he just handed to us, but no. There's no explanation. There is smoke and there are mirrors.

That's why I love Yahoo's other columnists: Suze Orman. Ben Stein. The Automatic Millionaire. Because every time I read their columns, there's some sort of financial call to action or at least a nice tip that I can bear in mind or ponder and discard if I so choose. Lose Kiyosaki, Yahoo. That's my two cents. (As it were.)

Dreams Can Come True, They Can Happen to You

It's finally happening! I will have the chance to meet my absolute favorite money guru, Suze Orman, in NYC on Tuesday, February 27. She's coming to the Union Square Barnes & Noble to promote her yet-to-be-released book Women & Money.

I am totally geeked. Not only is she coming to my city to speak (for free), but she's publishing a book (well, Random House is publishing the book, but you know what I mean) that I am already immensely interested in. If Nice Girls Don't Get Rich was great, imagine how useful this book will be!

I'm already mapping it out in my head: I'll get there at 6:45 p.m. -- no -- 6:30 p.m. Maybe 6:15. I'll ask to leave work early and haul it downtown as fast as possible. I will resolve NOT to merely say what I always say when I meet celebrities: "You're great." (See: The John Stamos Incident of 2002 and/or The John C. Reilly Incident of 2006.) I will work up something witty and intelligent to say. I will tell her how I've been counseling some of my girlfriends on money. I will tell her she's doing great things for women. I will tell her I have a 401(k) because of her. Or...I will only manage to squeak, "You're great."

Either way, I will meet Suze Orman. Hoo. Ray.