Tuesday, September 19, 2006

The Jokes Write Themselves Today

Okay, best story AND headline ever today on CNN.com:

Doctor accused of giving stripper a hand

"Excellent!" I said to myself as I rubbed my hands (ahem) together greedily. I began anticipating the story in my mind. "I'll bet some moderately well-known doctor felt a stripper up at some sleazy club, got booted out by the bouncer, became belligerent, and was arrested by the police. I'll bet it was Dr. Phil -- wait, no. Dr. Phil's too popular. He would have been named in the headline. I'll bet it was some talking-head quasi-doctor like...Dr. Sanjay Gupta or Dr. Ian Smith from 'Celebrity Fit Club.' I never did trust that Smith, with his well-tailored clothes and his Fat Smash Diet and his smirk."

But I clicked, and behold: The real story was even better. Some 26-year-old Jersey doctor supposedly gave some Jersey stripper a real hand. A literal hand from a cadaver. And she named the hand Freddy and kept it in formaldehyde alongside six skulls she allegedly bought through the mail (her mother thinks, anyway).

Since the story is only 12 sentences long and covers only the basics, I have several questions I'd like answered:

1. Was the hand some sort of payment for a lapdance or other favors? Did he promise her a freaking hand because he was a little short on singles one month?

2. What's with this stripper's death fetish? Don't strippers' tastes usually run to, say, maribou, baby kitties, and supporting their children on a single mom's salary?

3. Did he and the stripper discuss the hand at length? Did they have enough conversations during their *cough* courtship *cough* so that he was able to ascertain that she would appreciate a hand? And if so, how long was this "courtship"? How many times did he go to this Jersey strip club to "see" her?

4. Was he unsure of which body part, exactly, to bring her, so he decided on a hand at the last minute? Or was she dead-set (no pun intended) on a hand or no body part at all?

5. Why am I not surprised any of this took place in Jersey?

6. Was this stripper's (supposedly suicidal) roommate not bothered at all by the fact that there was a hand in the apartment? Let's leave the eBay skulls out of this and focus on the hand. Seriously. In formaldehyde. Named Freddy. Wouldn't most people see that as a sign to end the lease ASAP and take up residence elsewhere? I mean, this is a place in New Brunswick, New Jersey, not a sweet deal on a West Village share. That would be different.

I need answers. Atoosa?


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