The Weight of Nothing

I went grocery shopping as a single person today. That...was huge.

It's strange, but as I walked into Gristede's to buy a few basics, I realized I'd never been to that particular grocery store without having N in mind. As I strolled the aisles, I felt weightless -- moreso than I ever had there. I immediately remembered all the times I went food shopping in hopes of making N happy -- running around frantically with a plastic basket, tossing in Bisquick and syrup (if he ever wanted pancakes), eggs (to show him I could, in fact, scramble), coffee (for our many mornings together), Coke (I only drink Diet).

I had never bought food just for me, even though I live alone. So, it was with a sense of strength that I lugged home my girly purchases (nonfat yogurt, Lean Cuisine meals, strawberries, bananas...). I opened my refrigerator and looked inside. More than half of the interior was him: leftover homemade salad dressing from when I cooked him dinner, a can of Red Bull just in case he was ever tired before we went out drinking, a half-empty Pepsi can he mixed with Jack Daniel's last weekend, superchocolatey ice cream I picked because I knew he'd like it.

I threw all the leftovers away and replaced them with today's haul. Afterward, my refrigerator looked remarkably normal. And my apartment felt more "me": a emotional coup I don't take lightly.

Procrastination by Numbers

Being productive when I'm not on a deadline or crunched for time is not my strong suit. I have a freelance project due on January 10, and I was too under the weather to go to the gym today, so I swore I'd start working on the project well before it was due. As in, tonight.

Here's what should have done:

1. Work on my freelance project.

Here's what I actually did:

1. Made a bowl of pasta and Ragu. Ate it. Washed it down with a Diet Coke.

2. Ate several chocolates.

3. Told my roommate three stories about my holiday vacation.

4. Watched "Ugly Betty." Laughed out loud. Flipped through Good Housekeeping during commercial breaks.

5. Turned on computer.

6. Checked e-mail.

7. Wrote two e-mails.

8. Wrote rent check.

9. Watched a YouTube video I'd heard was insanely sexy. (It didn't live up to the hype.)

10. Checked e-mail 42 more times, including junk-mail e-mail and blog e-mail.

11. Bought a Victoria's Secret underthing.

12. Got glass of water.

13. Bought a wedding present for an ex online. Wedding took place several months ago, but I brush thought aside and click "send" anyway.

14. Paid cell phone bill online.

15. Checked a couple of my favorite blogs. Neither had updated.

16. Threw away some Christmas cards. (But saved the checks inside.)

17. Wrote two new addresses in my address book.

18. Took contacts out. Washed face. Brushed teeth.

19. Unpacked suitcase. Threw its contents on various flat surfaces in my room. Took suitcase to closet. Put suitcase inside closet.

20. Located NyQuil.

21. Blogged.