Procrastination by Numbers

Being productive when I'm not on a deadline or crunched for time is not my strong suit. I have a freelance project due on January 10, and I was too under the weather to go to the gym today, so I swore I'd start working on the project well before it was due. As in, tonight.

Here's what should have done:

1. Work on my freelance project.

Here's what I actually did:

1. Made a bowl of pasta and Ragu. Ate it. Washed it down with a Diet Coke.

2. Ate several chocolates.

3. Told my roommate three stories about my holiday vacation.

4. Watched "Ugly Betty." Laughed out loud. Flipped through Good Housekeeping during commercial breaks.

5. Turned on computer.

6. Checked e-mail.

7. Wrote two e-mails.

8. Wrote rent check.

9. Watched a YouTube video I'd heard was insanely sexy. (It didn't live up to the hype.)

10. Checked e-mail 42 more times, including junk-mail e-mail and blog e-mail.

11. Bought a Victoria's Secret underthing.

12. Got glass of water.

13. Bought a wedding present for an ex online. Wedding took place several months ago, but I brush thought aside and click "send" anyway.

14. Paid cell phone bill online.

15. Checked a couple of my favorite blogs. Neither had updated.

16. Threw away some Christmas cards. (But saved the checks inside.)

17. Wrote two new addresses in my address book.

18. Took contacts out. Washed face. Brushed teeth.

19. Unpacked suitcase. Threw its contents on various flat surfaces in my room. Took suitcase to closet. Put suitcase inside closet.

20. Located NyQuil.

21. Blogged.

Not So Fast, Victoria

Victoria's Secret's "Semi-Annual Sale" is going on now -- RIGHT NOW! Run! -- so, being the gullible Web-advertising-clicking woman I am, I surfed on over to the site to see what I could buy. No bras on sale in my size? Perfect, excellent, thanks. But while I was there, I thought maybe VS had something I could entice the Boyf with. Seeing as how we've been dating for almost three years, not much planned "enticing" goes on anymore, unless you count "watching TV" as "foreplay." It was my turn to step things up.

Victoria knows this, it would seem. Because when I clicked on this
















(tasteful, right?) another picture appeared at the bottom under the heading "MAY WE ALSO SUGGEST":

















Now, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that the majority of Victoria's Secret customers are not, say, strippers. I don't have anything against women wearing heels before and/or during sex, but these 3 1/2-inch gold metallic heels with large bondage buckle on the ankle are going to be a little, shall we say, TOO MUCH for the average American sexual encounter.

If the Boyf saw me in this outfit... um, well, I don't know exactly what he'd do, but he'd probably file the outfit in a brain folder somewhere between "trying too hard" and "Paris Hilton gone wrong."

I'll just take the $20 lace thingy, okay, Victoria? Thanks, though. Really. You've helped enough.