Friday, May 04, 2007

Oh, Britney

You guys have to forgive me for not posting as frequently or as well. I've been insanely busy lately, but I'm not too busy to share my thoughts on the comeback Britney Spears has been trying to make for the past two years or so. Here's the video from her "performance" in San Diego on May 1:

I had to watch this video three times. Why? Because I realized that its awfulness transcends a mere, "That was unfortunate." It was so bad, in fact, that it was bad on multiple levels:

1. Choreography
Who the hell got paid thousands to phone this routine in? This isn't dancing. It isn't even good stripping. It's...awkward...and seems almost mime-like at times, as if she's acting out the words the way a kindergartener would. Plus, it looks like Britney can't even keep up with the (decidedly younger and thinner) bleach-blondes around her. That is a shame.

2. Clothing
Memo to Britney Spears: No matter how much weight you lose, you will never, ever look:
a.) as good as you did when you were 19.
b.) fashionable in back-alley hooker getups.
c.) hip again.
You need to stop dressing yourself. Period. Get a stylist. Shut your mouth and stop fighting the people you pay to help you. Become familiar with the names of high-end designers who can dress you well -- you know, the expensive, tailored clothing you and your royalties can afford to buy, not the halter tops that are available on And wear some clothing that doesn't show your now-unremarkable stomach. Britney: I now have a better body than you. And I'd venture to say that a lot of normal American women do, too. It's time to file away those memories of your 2000 VMAs body and create a more sophisticated image. No, really. It is.

3. The Sad Factor
If you look closely (try watching the video on the Post's website -- it's a little clearer), you can see Britney's face light up when the crowd screams as she shakes it. And that made me sad. First, because the crowd is never going to scream for her the way they used to as long as she tries to resurrect that dated act. (Memo No. 2 to Britney: Midriffs and miniskirts are not news anymore. See: "The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll.") And second, because that kind of praise -- that applause for churning out crappy music and slapping on a coat of ass-bouncing to round it out -- is likely all the praise she's known in her life so far. She hasn't won points for much else, except maybe her charity work. It just makes me sad.

But should we be criticizing Britney? Or should we take a good, long look in the mirror and admit it: This is what happens when a hugely rich nation co-opts a little girl and packages her and markets her and sells her out until she becomes so enormously successful in such a short amount of time that she completely loses all grasp of normalcy, then tries in vain to create a family for herself, fails miserably at that normalcy she never understood, and finally attempts to return to the only (appearance-obsessed) world she ever knew.

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